I went for a quick overnight trip to visit some people in Southwest Afghanistan. I booked my flights, packed up and headed out. I had been told this area had little in the way of landscaping and the temps were climbing. I was mentally prepared.....until I stepped off the plane.
The first things that hit me like a parking meter to the head (yes, I have had that experience before) were the blinding brightness and the heat. I have said that Kuwait was at Hell's doorsteps, well the Southwest must be it's damn back porch. As we left the plane, a searing wind hit me...I assumed this was the plane exhaust so I marched on...and marched on some more. The further away we got from the plane, the cooler it didn't get. The searing heat was just hot wind. It was 126 degrees in this damn place and the wind was HOTTER. I thought my skin was going to scorch and flake right off. The next thing I noticed was how far we were walking in the heat. We marched in a single-file line for what felt like a mile (it might actually have been) and finally came to a road. They stopped us at the road and waited for everyone to catch up. I thought, "Great, they are going to put us on a bus and drive us to the arrivals terminal." Nope, I was wrong...they were just waiting so we could all cross the street together. We got across the street and walked some more. WTF? I started wondering if we were going to walk back to Kabul.
Eventually, we made it to a tent. The tent didn't appear to have power. There was certainly no A/C and the lights were off. The tent had power...at least enough for the Brits to boil hot water and offer us hot tea! Again, I had a WTF moment. I have heard that drinking hot beverages is better for you in desert heat, but come on....I just walked a mile with my IBA, helmet, rifle and carryon back. I would have settled for un-refrigerated water...but hot tea? Silly Brits.
Our nice British escort said something in proper English and then left. So, after taking a second to figure out my bearings, I promptly called someone and asked for help. I found my way outside the tent and into another tent. I got in touch with someone to come pick me up and waited outside in the sun. I finally had a chance to survey my surroundings. There was nothing but tents, sand and sun all around me. Suddenly, I get the "moonscape" analogy.
After what felt like 30 minutes but was probably less than 10, Petty Officer Adoption picked me up. He took me to my transient tent so I could drop my bag somewhere and then to meet the rest of the media team. After a few introductions, we went to lunch at the DFAC.
The Marines eat well. They may not have many creature comforts but these guys do know how to put on a spread. There was a ton of food to choose from and I tried it all. They had a speed line with pizza and wings and egg rolls, they had a grill with steak sandwiches and a main line with stir-fry and lo mein. I remember this because I did try it all. And OMG, the salad bar. They had real vegetables ... and lots of them and croutons and bacon bits....and REAL salad dressings. I am surprised I didn't end up in a food coma. To finish it off, I had Baskin Robbins ice cream. Now, I am not normally a huge sweet eater but it's amazing how good something can taste when you never have access to it.
After spending some more time with the team and getting some work done, I eventually called it a night. I went to my tent and settled in. Since I was a guest of the media support team, I got to stay in their transient tent, which is supposed to be better than the regular transient tents. It's a big tent with partitions in it to make rooms and doors to each room. Each room has one set of bunk beds. I had a room to myself.
Now, silly me...I hadn't bothered to scope out the location of the female bathrooms or showers while the sun was still up. By the time I got back to the tent, it was close to midnight. As I unpacked, I realized I had no interest in traipsing through the dark with a flashlight to take a shower. Plus, I had both my weapons and no locks on my door. There were journalists staying in the tent so I opted to wait until morning. I brushed my teeth on the front door of the tent with bottled water and got ready for bed.
As soon as I turned on the light in my room, I decided I would sleep on the top bunk. The bottom bunk mattress looked like someone died a horrible death on it. Now, in all reality, someon probably spilled red Gatorade on it at one point...but I was already freaked out and my mind was made up. Since I was too lazy to pack a sleeping bag or pillow, I laid out my woobie and extra blanket and balled up my towel to use as a pillow. I then got in bed..well, I attempted it at least. See, the bunk beds didn't have a ladder or any other way to get to the top bunk. For those of you that don't know me, I barely scrape 5'4" on a good day. So, I stepped on the bottom mattress, grabbed the railing at the head of the top bunk and pulled with all my might to get a leg up and over. I'm pretty sure two of the legs came off the ground, but I made it up. That's when I realized I forgot to grab my alarm clock. I would have left it, but I didn't have it set and I had an early morning appointment. So, I got to repeat the process. This took what little strength I had left. After a bit of reading, I was ready for bed but, try as I might, I couldn't reach the light switch from the bed. I really think I should get paid extra for being a short person. Life is hard enough without being vertically challenged. Normally, I would have just put my pillow over my head but oh, wait...I didn't have one! So, I got to experience getting down and back up AGAIN. My last time, it took three concerted efforts to finally make it up there and I was severely concerned for my life in all three attempts. I don't really want to get crushed by bunk beds in Afghanistan....how does that eulogy go anyways? "Here lies a hero who fought bravely against a bunk bed. If only she'd been 2 inches taller."
Fast-forward to the next morning. I start my day with a fabulous breakfast. I ate enough to feed five starving children and was damn proud of my gluttony. After breakfast, I handed over my weapons to my colleagues and went to shower. Since it had been a good 12 hours since I last went to the bathroom, I hit the head first. I asked some ladies where I could find the heads and the showers and walked in that direction. I couldn't find either at first. That's because I was looking for standard Cadillacs. If you don't know what one is, I can't really explain it. I guess they are really just mobile restrooms with either toilets or showers. As I looked around me, all I could see was tents. And then I noticed the water tanks connected to the tents, and then I started reading the signs. There was a bathroom tent and a shower tent. Yes, I said "tent".
Curious, and ready to burst, I entered the bathroom tent. I can't say I have ever seen anything like it. The tent was pretty large and it had nothing in it, except for a toilet stage. Yes, I do mean a toilet stage. In the middle of a tent is a raised platform; you have to climb steps to reach the top. On top of that are toilets, each separated by fabric on the sides. For extra privacy, there's a fabric in front that you can pull down once you are on the toilet. Great idea, but the fabric isn't as wide as the opening so it doesn't really block any view unless someone is standing directly in front of you. The whole setup kind of reminded me of the Olympics. I expected to get presented a medal at the top of the stage just before I sat down to pee. Another WTF moment for the books.
Fortunately, I have been in the Navy too long to be self-conscious or prudish about being undressed in front of other people. I think I got over my privacy issues in bootcamp. I foud myself a bench and got undressed. I found an unoccupied shower and proceeded to reach for the knobs to turn on the water. There were no knobs. There were no dials, there were no handles. I sat there for a minute or so and just stared. I couldnt see a thing but I couldn't believe it either. How the hell do I turn on the shower? At this point, I begin surveying my options. I am stark naked, standing on a shower stafe, staring at an empty shower stall and wondering how to make this work. I can - a) get dressed and consider this a failed attempt at washing my ass, b) ask some random stranger, while I am completely naked, how to work the shower or c) try to use the sink and paper towels to bathe myself. I had resolved to walk up to a stranger and ask about these damn showers when I finally looked up and found a lever. I pulled on it and water came out. There was no temperature control and no flow control..the lever was on/off only. What the hell, at least I showered.
