Hello again boys and girls. It’s time for lesson 2 of “Dummies Guide to Life at Sea,” a
brief overview of what your sailors and soldiers experience underway. At the end of Lesson 1, I just finished
my morning micro-dermabrasion in the shower and was up and ready for another
fine Navy day.
The first thing I do in the morning is head to chow. You see, on the ship you don’t really
have much of a choice as to when or what you eat. I can have a hot meal from 0700-0800, 1130-1230 and
1700-1800. If I’m awake at
midnight, I can eat at mid-rats. Mid-rats is navy lingo for midnight rations,
or leftovers. If I thoroughly
enjoyed lunch or dinner, odds are good I’ll see it again at mid-rats.
Now, shipboard chow has really improved over the past few
years and the dining experience is quite fine in the Chief’s mess so for this
lesson, we will go back to 1999. I was a 2nd Class Petty Officer on
a Spruance Class Destroyer.
Actually, I was on 3 separate destroyers between 98-99 but the chow was
pretty much the same on all three.
When a ship first gets underway, the food really isn’t
bad. There’s variety, a full stock
of condiments and the fresh fruits and vegetables are actually fresh. After a couple of months, that all
deteriorates; rapidly. The less
often you pull into port, the worse things get. If you can’t take on stores ashore, you have to do a
replenishment at sea (RAS). During
a RAS, you can take on fuel, dry goods and a variety of food. You get this stuff from a supply ship;
imagine a floating Sam’s Club and you get the general idea.
A RAS can help keep your ship stocked in basic goods; toilet
paper, cleaners, geedunk (junk food for the ship’s store), meats, condiments
and the ever popular fresh fruits and vegetables. The problem with this is that you are getting your fresh
fruits and vegetables, as well as other perishable items, from another ship
that’s out to sea. This supply
ship idea is pretty great but they don’t exactly milk cows and tend garden
while they’re out to sea. That
means that your perishables are only as fresh as their last day in port.
So, the longer you are away from shore, the stronger your
chances of finding that white, “pre-mold” around the crust of your bread,
wilted lettuce on the salad bar and, my personal favorite, tomatoes that were
previously frozen and then thawed out.
Have you ever tried that?
If you’re not expecting it, it’s kind of like stepping into a pile of
pet vomit in the middle of the night.
You know what I’m talking about; you’re half-asleep just trying to get
to the bathroom and back to bed when suddenly, you realize something isn’t
quite right with the world. Your
feel the goo on the bottom of your foot and immediately recoil in disgust as
you come to the conscious realm and realize what just happened.
On the ship, in the matter of a week, you can go from
enjoying a healthy meal with a robust salad bar to using salad dressing on your
ham sandwich with a side of pickle and cheese salad for good measure. I never ate omelets until I joined the
Navy. I never cared much for eggs,
but at breakfast that’s your best bet for something fresh. Most mess decks offered scrambled eggs
on the line, but they may be powdered and who willingly eats powdered eggs? If you get an omelet cooked to order,
they will pile on all the cheese you want and cheese makes anything
edible. If you want something to
drink with your meal, there’s always plenty of bug juice available. Bug juice comes in a variety of colors
but it’s pretty much all the same.
If you want to make some of your own, go to the dollar store and buy the
fake Kool-Aid. Then, read the
directions on the packet. If it
says add one packet to a quart of water; add three. I’m not sure why they call it bug juice, I always imagined
it was because the stuff is so sweet that even a fly knows it will get diabetes
if it goes near the stuff.
Now, let me share with you the actual task of eating on a
ship. Being out to sea will make
you incredibly hungry. I’m not
sure why; it could be all the walking you do aboard ship, the boredom of being
out sea or Pavlov’s theory in action.
It only takes a day or two on the regimented eating schedule for your
body to know it’s next scheduled feeding time. In anticipation of eating this almost wonderful meal,
sailors start lining up about 15 minutes early to be the first to see what
exciting culinary treats are waiting for them. Once you get through the line and up to the food, you
usually get a choice of main course and sides. Sometimes the food is immediately recognizable and sometimes
you have to ask for clarifying information. Some days it’s like being on a game show, “Guess that entree!” “Bob, what do we have for our
contestants today?”
Once you pick from the menu and the Food Service Assistants
slop it on your tray, it’s over to the self-service salad, condiment and drink
stations. The quality of all three
are directly related to your time at sea and the competency of your ship’s
supply department. A good supply
department will manage their funds and order the right stuff at the right
time. A bad supply department
won’t. If you have a bad Supply
Officer or Chief, you may very well not have a salad or condiment bar.
Now to the act of eating itself; tables on the mess decks
are fastened to the floor. The
chairs are attached to the table and swing out on an arm so you can swivel out
a chair, sit in it and swivel back to the table. Your food is in a tray and your drink in a cup. Right about at this time, something
strange happens; the waves magically grow and the ship starts bouncing all over
the place. Now, remember you’re in
a chair that swivels so just staying stationary becomes a challenge. Add to that the tray your food is on;
it slides. You eat with your feet
planted firmly on the floor, your elbows stuck to the table and cradling your
tray in hopes of keeping it from crashing on the floor. You also have to keep a stronghold on
your cup, which is full of the aforementioned bug juice. That leaves you with one free wrist and
hand to scoop up your food and shovel it into you mouth. If either elbow lifts too far off your
tray and the table, disaster can ensue.
So instead, you bring your head down and quite literally shovel the fork
into your mouth.
On most days, you have to get back to work or on to watch so
your meal is a quick one. That
ends this short lesson. Stay tuned
for the next lesson as I am sure it will be a good one.
