A lesson on the Army Combat Uniform

So, I made it through the Naval Mobilization Processing Site (NMPS) in Gulfport, Miss. today.  Our last task before heading to my official Army training was uniform issue.  I am now the proud owner of the Army Combat Uniform.  I feel like I am betraying my Navy heritage and losing some of my Sailor identity.  However, I did get lots of new clothes and 2 new pairs of shoes.  Yes, I can be bought.

Now, I just have to figure these damn uniforms out.  I don't know if the Army always does things backwards or if it took a special sort of someone to create these.  Here's a run-down of things that confuse me:

   - I have two pair of boots; cold-weather and hot-weather.  I can't tell which is which, there is no damn label on them and neither pair feels espcially cool and breezy.  They don't look exactly the same but neither pair shouts out "winter season" to me.  Can't I just get a pair of Uggs for the winter?  Is that really too much to ask?

   - The closures are especially fun. The blouse actually zips up!  A full zipper hidden by velcro patches.  Oh, and the velcro..that's no joke.  Apparently, it gets easier with washings but as it currently stands, I need the jaws of life to separate the velcro.  And everything is velcroed; the pockets, the zipper overlay, even my damn nametag is velcroed on.  I thought velcro was for four-year olds who couldn't tie their shoes yet.  Or perhaps the ACU has been in design since 1982.  Velcro was real big back then.  At first I thought the Army had an issue with buttons and then I tried on the pants.  A BUTTON FLY! Whiskey Tango? Zip up your shirt but button up your pants? Again, the 1980s come to mind.  I just don't get it.

   - Another thing about the velcro, your uniform will get stuck to itself in odd places and even get stuck to other people!  Why do I know this, because it's happened to me already.  Imagine, six grown adults all in a line and constantly sticking to each other.  I'd pull away from the person on my left and get stuck the person on my right.  Again with the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  I don't know these people well enough to have my shirt physically attached to theirs.

    - The collar; have you ever had a track suit with a hood built into the collar? I think these were big in the 90s but I believe you can still find them around now.  Well, that's what the ACU collar feels like except there's no hood inside.  It's just kind of thick and not very pliable. It doesn't really sit flat well at all.  Then of course, there's the velcro neck strap to turn it into a crew neck for battle stations.  You have to velcro it back onto itself for regular wear. 

     - The cap; my personal favorite part of the Army Combat Uniform.  I call it the Gomer Pyle hat..or maybe I should refer to it as the Beetle Baily hat since Gomer was a Marine.  I've made paper hats with more form and structure.  The Navy and Marine Corps wear covers on their head.  They have a structured look that requires proper wear and maintenance.  Apparently this is too much for the Army because their cap (I can not bring myself to call it a cover or even a hat) requires neither.  It requires I simply pull it over my head until I look like I should be playing Little League.  Maybe they were too preoccupied with the velcro and zippers.