The journey

As I prepare to trade the gun on my hip for a Blackberry, the rifle on my shoulder for a laptop bag and combat boots for heels, I can’t help but try to figure out what I’ll take from this experience.  I made a lot of friends, but not many very close.  I have had a lot of experiences but none monumental.  I have learned a few new skills I hope I won’t ever need again and I have carried a lot of anxiety that I hope I can shake when I return home.

I like to think I made a difference, but really don’t know.  There’s nothing tangible for me to measure.

 I keep trying to come up with some grand life lesson; some “a-ha” moment and I will know why I was here.  I may never know.  What I do have is the knowledge that I answered the call once more.  I can be proud that I was willing to be here when so many others aren’t.  I didn’t want to be here, but I came.  I made a commitment. 

I have spent a lot of my life waiting for my defining moment; that chance to find out who I really am decisions I made.

I realize now that moment came and went in the blink of an eye, or rather a ring of my cell phone.  I was in an airport on a layover and somehow after a short conversation, I had agreed to come to Afghanistan. 

That was my moment.  I didn’t realize it then or for most of my deployment.  Only now that I have had time to look for answers have I been able to find one.  I knew the call was coming and I answered it.  I didn’t try to dodge it, I didn’t have soul-searching thoughts; I just honored the commitment I had made to the country.

This deployment, I think I am coming home in a better state of mind.  I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I don’t need to walk with a strut (although it comes natural regardless) and I don’t feel the need to prove my worth with this deployment.  I’m not sure if it’s age, wisdom, the locale, validity of my job this time around or some combination of it all but I’m going home in a better place.   I may not  be able to point to my accomplishments but I don’t really feel the need.  I think I’m ready to join the ranks of those who have answered the call before me.  I have always been proud of them, now I can be proud of me.